Friday, December 7th, 2001

Time: 11:06 pm.
Music: DJ Mystik – Send Me An Angel.
she was just there.. in my mind.. shes fading now.. what seemed so clear is becoming blurry.. or was it always blurry.. I may never again know.. for she is gone now.. and I’m forever unclear, as to if she really was there.

Saturday, October 13th, 2001

Time: 1:54 am.
char·is·mat·ic
adj. : possessing an extraordinary ability to attract.

Time: 1:26 am.
what is charismatic? arent i the impitamy of the word… thats what ive been told.. i dont know why i say this.. but its true.. i get what i want..

Friday, October 12th, 2001

Time: 1:58 am.
you try to salvage somethin thats not even there.. blah.. to hell with it.. so you try to protect the one thing she does have.. and your the enemy.. the last words she will hear from my mouth..
‘have a nice fucking life’
thats what she just heard.. and that was the end of it.. shes not worth the stress.. shes not worth my thoughts.. yeah i cared about her.. but when i try to help her and what she has goin on with him now.. and she is being greedy about it.. fuck that.. that right there is dooming what she says she wants.. dont need her.. dont need that.. next please..

im goin to stop lookin for friends.. whos on my buddy list now i whos on there now.. no more of this online shit.. no more lookin for cute single manteca girls to chat with… no more adding more peeps to my buddy list.. no more cor.. i hope she one day realizes what she missed with me, and that she can never have it again.. cuz im gone..

im goin to wake up tomorrow.. goto work.. and live my life.. i wont answer her EMails.. shes allready blocked.. and if i even begin to hear her voice on the phone ::CLICK::.. shes out of my life now.. when you say you arent going to let go to yourself.. your not goin to let go.. but tonight i finally gave in and i let go.. and i tried being there as a friend.. but she.. blah.. shes not even worth the energy of typing this entry.. no more cor..

Lets see.. today i hung out with kenn and stine.. or is it stine and kenn? ida know.. we all went to RiteAid and got ice cream.. then to Replay Records.. and then the Dolla Sto.. hehe.. Jennifer didnt come over tonite.. she went out to ‘shake it’ hehe.. shes soo cute.. hope i get to see her tomorrow b4 she takes off to Sac.. she really is a great person.. well.. im off.. gonna think happy thoughts and sleep.. I Hope I Wake Up On Time…. 6:MuthFuckin30…

Thursday, October 11th, 2001

Time: 5:07 pm.
hey journal.. whats up? i just got off work.. im Returns Certified.. lol.. im goin to crash and burn over there.. but thats ok.. i tried callin cor a min ago.. shes not home from school.. i dont know what todo.. i need to get out and breath.. stine is commin over ina few min i think.. we might go do sumptin.. dunno thou.. Jen is commin over later tonite.. and Jo wants to go joggin tonite.. so i guess ill b busy.. lol.. well.. im outtie.. bye for now.. ohh.. and jessica didnt call me this mornin or today.. wonder whats up with her.. :-\

Time: 7:29 am.
sometimes you need to be an asshole to make someone see what the real picture is.. is that what i was doing last night when i told cor i didnt want to talk to her anymore.. did i make her realise what im goin through.. did i make her cry… the last thing i ever want to do is make her cry.. but i dont want to cry.. after i hung up with her.. i cried.. knowing that i couldnt take this mistake back.. and that i had truly lost her.. i have and allways will love her.. i hope she answers when i call later.. i need to ask her to forgive me for being selfish.. and only thinkin of me.. she needs me..
i have to goto work.. bai for now journal

Wednesday, October 10th, 2001

Subject: I Love Me!
Time: 10:07 pm.
Mood: happy.
i did alot of work on me site today.. basically took cor off it.. and made it more of a ‘profile’ type.. its gonna get a makeover as soon as i get a chance.. but i dont know what i want todo with it.. i need to work on JavaScript.. hehe.. well.. off to bed with me..

Subject: With a sigh….
Time: 10:06 pm.
Music: Various Artists – New York City Boy (Thunderpuss.
::sigh:: well.. jessica said her and her dad got into a fight.. i dont know if she really like me or shes just playin me.. right now im weak.. cuz i want to fall in love.. i want to beleive that she really likes me.. but she hasnt come down yet.. i dont know.. then tonight we werent talkin much.. and shes not comfortable with talkin like serious.. its to soon i guess.. grr.. i dont know.. ill give it time.. if somethin happens it happens..
jennifer is commin over after work i think.. shes muh pal.. i like her alot.. i told her a few days ago i wanted more then just friends.. that went ok i guess.. she said no.. lol.. its kewl thou. im off for now.. write more later.. bai bai journal

Subject: A New Life…
Time: 3:42 pm.
Mood: hopeful.
Music: I’ll Fly With You (L’Amour Tou.
Well.. me and cor talked on the phone night before last, she emailed me sayin she was worried about me.. i hadnt talked to her in four days.. i took her off my buddylist and blocked everyone thats not on it.. and i didnt check my EMail (for g3nxb0red) for a few days.. and i was monitoring my phone calls.. i honestly wanted her out of my life.. i couldnt take the stress of knowing someone else was touching the one thing i loved more then anything else.. she told me that no matter what happens she wanted me to know that i am loved.. and if i ever need anything at all.. i can call her.. and she couldnt finish that cuz she was crying.. i remember the first time me and her were about to break up.. she told me that she couldnt take it anymore.. and that she needed a break.. i tried tellin her the same thing she told me the other night.. that ill allways be her bestfriend and that im there for her whenever she needs anything.. and that i love her more then the world.. and i couldnt finish that either.. cuz i started cryin.. i feel as thou she didnt let go of me until the night before last.. when she said those words.. like she was giving me another chance to make up for the things i was doing wrong.. and that phone call was her letting go.. i dont know thou.. i need her in my life.. but i cant handle the thoughts of doug in hers.. i’m being greedy i know..

i met a girl a week ago about.. her name is jessica.. i havent met her in person.. but i have talked to her on the phone alot the last few days.. we are ‘dating’ but havent met.. something like me and cor did.. i cant get attached to anyone right now.. my heart and soul are Cor’s.. i dont know why i even told jessica i wanted to date her.. maybe its a attempt to get over cor.. i dont know..

Jennifer has been commin over the last few nights and hangin out.. shes a cool friend.. i like her.. i like her alot.. hehe..

Cor said she would talk to me everyday.. but she didnt call or msg me online all day yesterday.. i was online. and she was not.. i love her with all my heart… it will allways be hers.. i just wish she could understand what i go through when i talk to her.. i cant take havin her somewhere in the middle as a friend.. not right now.. i need to get over her first.. then ill make that attempt at bein her friend.. noone knows me as well as her.. and noone knows her as well as me.. we are meant for each other.. i dont know.. i need no cor.. or Fiancee cor.. heck.. id settle for Princess Girlfriend.. 🙂

i dont know.. im gonna let you go journal.. gotta clean a lil more house.. and see if jessica is commin over still.. bai for now..

Saturday, October 6th, 2001

Subject: hi RobeRt!!
Time: 2:01 pm.
hey whats up rob.. you are sitting right here im just being a dork.. i loves ya.. ::hUGs::

stine!!

Friday, October 5th, 2001

Subject: Lifes cool..
Time: 1:16 pm.
Mood: happy.
Hey journal.. i made a new friend last night.. her name is jessica.. she lives down in Ceres.. i called and talked to her an we talked for about 1 1/2 hours.. shes really cool.. i wrote her a EMail this mornin..
ewww. i gotta goto work in like.. 45 min.. and im feeling all sick and crap :-\ actually i gotta goto work a lil early.. cuz i gotta get my check and cash it first.. 🙂
well.. ill write back again tonite.. bai journal.. sorry for the short entry..

Tuesday, October 2nd, 2001

Time: 11:05 pm.
Woo hoo.. i dont gotta work @ 7AM tomorrow.. im hella happy 🙂

well.. i am kinda bored thou.. so anyone reading this right now (as in tonite) CALL ME!!! im like.. bored…

Time: 12:31 pm.
sometimes you just have to say everything.. and there are times when you cant say anything.. in those times when you cant say anything.. those are the times miracl;es happen.. when so many things will change.. if just you say something..
last night when i was talkin to cor.. i felt that if i told her what i was thinkin.. that i loved her and needed her back in my life.. she wouldve givin me another chance.. but i didnt.. i dont know if thats what she was really thinkin.. but last night she was the old bean i knew.. from six months ago.. the bean i fell in love with.. and fell in love again all over again last night.. thursday is tha day we started officially dating.. its goin to be a hard day for me.. and i know she will think bout us too.. i want to talk to her soo bad right now..
i dont know whats goin on Halloween.. it looks as if im just goin to sit here and goto sleep.. i so want to do something with cor.. but i know that wont happen.. i dont know.. i just dont know..
i was thinkin a few min ago bout how she said we are soulmates a week before we broke up.. i need to ReKindle that part of her heart..
she just got offline.. i said alot of things again.. like how i loved her and i need to hold nothing back.. and how when she was askin what i was thinking last nite that she knew.. and wanted to hear it.. and just a bunch of stuff.. but she just got offline.. so i dont know..
i know i shouldnt put all this that im thinkin bout doing.. or say how im really feelin here in a diary i know she reads… and i also know i shouldnt tell her how i really feel about her.. but i feel i need to.. i just dont know.. please someone help me.. i need you..

Subject: Loving you…
Time: 12:05 pm.
last night she called me babe… and told me that there will allways be a place in her heart for me.. i love that girl soo much.. she makes me happy.. i want todo something special for her. but i dont know what that could possibly be.. today is the 6 month annversary since we met.. so mant things has happened in just six months.. its kinda funny how life works out like that..
People come into your life so fast.. and hey leave it just as fast.. thats how i felt earlier yesterday.. then i talked to her.. and i started feeling for her again.. my guard was really up for the longest time last night.. then just like it was put up.. it was taken down… shes the one person i can be myself with.. she knows everything bout me.. well.. im gonna talk to her for a min and then i dont know.. and ick ick ick.. i gotta work 2:30 – 11 tonite. then 7 motha fuckin AM tomorrow.. this aught be fun.. well.. wish me luck journal.. im gonna make me spot in corinnes heart a lil bigger.. 🙂
::hugs to the world::

Subject: ::sigh::
Time: 1:32 am.
Mood: uncomfortable.
life goes on i guess… she called me.. dunno what to say.. so im kinda writin in this.. kinda not… i dont know what to say to her anymore.. i want to ask soo many things.. but i dont want to think bout him.. i dont want to fall for her again.. ill figure somethin out.. bai fer now jornal…

Monday, October 1st, 2001

Time: 1:33 am.
Hello Journal.. Hieeeee

Subject: Lifes Journey
Time: 12:20 am.
it hurts when you dont talk to someone for so long.. someone you think you love with all your heart.. then one day you look @ her profile on Y!.com and see this
“Latest News: I think I actually found a “normal” guy!! I’m not lettin this one go!!”
that hurt me alot.. alot more then it should.. i havent talked to her much the last few days.. and i know that sometime soon.. i wont hear from her even online but once a month.. but ill live on.. and ill allways love her in my heart.. i just hope she knows that she can call me anywhere at anytime and ill be there for her.. i love you bean…
ive decided to move out of manteca permanantly within the next 4 1/4 years.. by my 25th b-day i will be out of manteca.. and by the time im 33.. ill own my first house.. and i Will retire on my 35th Birthday.., not a day sooner.. not a day after..
How will i get there? Lots of hard work and im goin to stick with my three plans.. First.. ALL change.. be it the 90 cents from a $1.10 soda.. i wont spend that 90 cents.. it goes in a jar.. when the jar is full.. it goes to tha bank.. second.. stock market.. im goin to invest the max ammount (i think its %5 gross) every pay check.. its free money :-).. third.. well.. that one im keeping to myself.. its a major part of my master plan.. when im 35. ya will know what it was..
Well.. Jennifer didnt come over tonite.. and neither did mel.. Mel said she was when her kid went to bed.. but then her dad woundlt watch her.. so ya.. and Jen said she would come over after work.. but she didnt.. am i attracted to flakes as friends? or are they legit reasons? i want to make up excuses.. but nope.. ill deal.. if they dont come over.. ill live..
me and kenn hung out today.. played a lil magic.. and then he went to his AA Meeting.. hes online now but im not talkin to anyone.. just chillin.. well..im off to watch some TV and maybe browse a lil.. g’nite

Friday, September 28th, 2001

Subject: Hello..
Time: 8:35 pm.
Mood: calm.
Music: Billie Meyers – Kiss The Rain.mp3.
can you hear me.. am i gettin through to you.. hello.. is it late there.. theres a laughter on the line.. are you sure your there alone.. cuz im tryin to explain.. somethings wrong.. hehe.. i love kiss the rain.. good song

Time: 8:32 pm.
now i got it workin on me page.. gonna make the IFrame a lil taller.. and im good togo.. 🙂
i think ill make it a lil taller.. dont know for sure yet.. hehe..

bai bai

Subject: Woo Hoo..
Time: 8:22 pm.
i think i got my style done..
now i can go on in life.. well.. thil i get bored with this.. hehe.. hope cor gets her’s goin.. well.. by for now.. wanna get ready to go watch.. uhmm.. ‘atlantis somethin’ i forgot the name.. ohh well.. its playin @ 9:50

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